[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
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i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.