There is so much going on in this video โฆ I donโt know who to focus on ๐๐๐ hilarious
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[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your wordโฆstupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
iโve always loved the phrase โwhen i wore a younger manโs clothesโ from piano man. itโs such a poetic way of saying he stole a guyโs clothes
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, youโve known chaos.
me: iโm sad about this thing
therapist: but itโs not about that thing
me: ok thx hereโs $175
Cndnsd Mlk
7yo: Whoโs older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santaโs not real.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokรฉmon GO but like…..opposite.
itโs either covid or clever vampires
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Kentucky names the shit out of places
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently sheโs ready to be a teenager now.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
My kid: Iโll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why donโt you take a look at our new collection of home decor? Itโs so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* IโM ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON