Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
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Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Good morning y’all ☀️
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around