Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
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Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Labreador
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.