Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
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The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds