My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
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My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys