[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
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If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”