I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
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*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’