[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
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My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me