People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
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*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying