There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
You Might Also Like
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
yeah 😭
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday