You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
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I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?