French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
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Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I’m just playing devils avocado here
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.