Forever 21… pounds overweight
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whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.