Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
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Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
President The Rock Obama
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet