How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
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[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith