Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
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If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..