I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
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There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.