Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
You Might Also Like
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Body by sandwich.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.