When you can’t find your friend Neil
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I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]