If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
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Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now