Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
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Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
twitter users today:
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.