I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
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“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”