god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
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[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope