Overindulged this afternoon.
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[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
S M O L
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works