sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
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“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
damn he’s good
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.