Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
You Might Also Like
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
All set.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
How high do the levels go?
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.