I’m giving up for Lent.
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Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes