“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
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I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.