me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
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Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Me checking my bank balance online.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Breaking news:
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Incredible customer service.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.