SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
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I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
This is my bus stop.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now