take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
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*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
❤️🦆
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
This is my pinned tweet
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.