“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
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netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”