Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
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You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500