Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
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The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Human are so complicated
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!