[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
You Might Also Like
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
time for some seasonal decor
🤭😂
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.