I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond