*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
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*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
when dads have a rap battle
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*