[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
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[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Somebody call the cops.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Who says great literature is dead?
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.