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It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
broke down and did it
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Solving a traffic jam
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”