You Might Also Like
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
No Google it does not
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”