Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
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ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”