I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
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Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Me driving through Toronto
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Wise advice
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.