“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
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License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*