its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
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technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.