All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
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Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
incredible text to wake up to
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.