BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
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Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER