I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
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[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
calling in to work dehydrated
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works