What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
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Ha.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
January is lasting longer than my marriage
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.