Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
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I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Great game to play with friends
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try